Pronouns are simple

“I want to get people’s pronouns right, but I’m just so confused. I don’t understand what pronouns mean, or how to use them. I end up staying quiet because I’m worried I’ll offend people.”

In my work as an inclusive and accessible communication consultant, I hear this all the time.

I get it – so many of us grew up with binary language (like “ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls”). We were taught that there are two genders (when there are many). We didn’t learn what a pronoun was until later in life, or we never learned what a pronoun was at all. Maybe pronouns started to show up in people’s email signatures, and we were afraid to ask about them, in case it was rude.

It's totally understandable to feel confused when you’re first learning about pronouns.

But there’s no need to panic. Pronouns are pretty simple.

Here are 10 practical ways you can get comfortable and confident with pronouns.

  1. Know that gender diversity is everywhere

“I’ve never met a trans person. I only hear about these pronoun things from my grandchildren and their friends. Do I have to learn about it, if I don’t personally know anyone who’s trans? It just doesn’t seem like something for my generation to think about.”

When Chris* told me this, I got what he was saying. But I had to correct him. “Chris, you haven’t met any trans or gender-nonconforming people who were out with you.

Look at left-handedness. When being left-handed was seen as shameful, we thought that very few people were left-handed. When we stopped discriminating, more and more people were able to “come out” as left-handed. Now, we reckon around 1 in 10 of us is left-handed.

There’s nowhere in the world where it’s totally safe to be trans (or any other identity in the LGTBQIA+ umbrella).

So we simply don’t know how many people are trans (or other LGBTQIA+ identities).

Until then, assume that you interact with plenty of gender diverse and gender nonconforming people.

You do. Whether they’re “out” or not.

2. Recognise that everyone has pronouns

Pronouns aren’t just for trans, non-binary or genderfluid people.

We all have pronouns.**

I’m a cis woman. (That means the gender I was assigned at birth, and the gender that I know I am, are the same). My pronouns are she/her. I have pronouns.

Pronouns aren’t just for people who are trans, non-binary, agender, genderqueer, genderfluid (and so on). They’re for everyone.

Pronouns aren’t new, and they’re not niche. Pretty much everyone has them.

Pronouns aren’t “preferred” or “chosen.” They’re just your pronouns.

And you don’t need to explain them. “Reporters never write a sentence to explain a cis source’s pronouns” notes the TJA Trans Style Guide. “For example: “Jill, who uses she/her pronouns, attended the event.” If we don’t emphasise cis people’s pronouns, we shouldn’t need to explain trans people’s pronouns — especially when they are common pronouns like he, she, and they.”

(Ettie, who uses she/her pronouns, said she agreed.)

If someone uses less common pronouns (like ze, ve or ne), you can quickly explain that.

3. Share your pronouns

If you’re comfortable sharing your pronouns, do it all the time. 

  • Put your pronouns in your social media bio,

  • Put them in your email signature (you can link to pronouns.org to explain why).

  • Say your pronouns when you meet people.

Sharing your pronouns is a small step, but it helps to normalise the fact that everyone has pronouns.

Obviously, being “out” is a choice. It’s not safe for everyone, so give people the option to share their pronouns if they want to.

Lead with yours. If other people are happy to share, they can.

4. Respect other people’s pronouns

 If someone tells you their pronouns, there’s only one thing you need to do. Use them.

You may get it wrong sometimes – especially if this is new to you. If you make a mistake, apologise briefly and sincerely, move on, and concentrate on getting it right next time.

5. Treat pronouns like names

It’s easy to overthink pronouns, and to forget that we already have the skills we need. In fact, every single one of us knows how to ask for and remember pronouns. Because pronouns are a lot like names.

 As Lal Zimman says:

  • You can’t tell what a person’s name is just from looking at them.

  • If you want to know someone’s name, you have to ask.

  • Names are treated as facts.

  • We know there are many names in the world that we’ve never even heard of.

  • People don’t insist there are only two (or two hundred, or even two thousand) names.

  • It’s important to remember someone’s name, even if it’s unusual, even if you don’t like it, and even if you don’t like them.

  • People sometimes change their names.

  • Messing up occasionally isn’t the worst thing in the world, as long as it’s handled well.

6. Pronouns aren’t the same as gender

 If you’re a man, a woman, non-binary, genderfluid, genderqueer (and so on) then you have a gender.

For many of us, our gender “matches up” with a pronoun that is typically associated with that gender (like “she/her” and “woman”). But it doesn’t have to.

You can be any gender and use any pronouns. You can be a woman, and use they/them pronouns. You can be non-binary, and be happy to use he/him pronouns.

Of course, lots of people who use she/her pronouns are women. And lots of people who use he/him pronouns are men. But you can’t assume.   

Being trans is not a gender

If you’re a trans woman, then you’re a woman (that’s your gender). If you’re a trans man, then you’re a man (that’s your gender). 

One small way we can all be more trans inclusive is to model how normal it is to be trans. We can do this by not calling attention to it unless it’s relevant.

Just say “she’s a woman” (and say she’s trans if you need to mention it) or “he’s a man” (and say he’s trans if you need to mention it).

6. Forget she/he

Does your work have a policy like this one? “Each team member must use his/her allocated holiday days.”  

Language like this is gender binary: it divides the world into two genders. It’s not accurate, because there are many genders.

It’s also ugly and hard to read. Why say “she/he must use his/her holiday days”, when there are clearer, simpler, more elegant alternatives?

Like singular they: “Staff must use their allocated holiday days.”

Or a good old second personal pronoun: you. “You must use your allocated holiday days.” It’s more direct, engaging, and it includes everyone.

7. Use singular they

“Someone called for you.”
“Did you get their name?”
"No, they didn’t say.”

That’s singular they, and you already know how to use it.

Of course, we typically use it for people we don’t know. It does take a bit of time to use it seamlessly with people you do know.

So practice. Try practicing out loud on your own, until you can say it smoothly.

It’s a good idea to use singular they when you’re talking about someone, if you don’t know what pronouns they use. Alternatively, just say their name.

8. Pronouns won’t change the world

If you’ve ever been to an event where everyone introduced themselves and said their pronouns at the start, that’s a pronoun go-round. They’re useful, but pronoun go-rounds alone won't liberate us.

For Jen Manion, saying a pronoun felt like being put inside a box.

Pronoun go-rounds can be performative. They can trick us into thinking we’ve done the work of creating an inclusive culture (when we’ve only just started). Aim to see people in all their complexity, not just to put them in a gendered box.

Change your mindset, not your words

If you practice pronoun go-rounds so you can categorise people, then keep them locked in a gendered box (“Ash is ‘he’ and that’s all I need to know about him”), then you’re stuck in binary thinking.

“The thing about the pronoun go-round is that it is not meant to and cannot take care of all the many complex problems of judgment, identity, and anxiety that exist around our complex lives and our political movements” writes Dean Spade. “It is merely an attempt to create a practice of not assuming we know what someone goes by just by looking at them.”

Pronouns must be optional, otherwise they can exclude people.

 “There is an important group of people for whom sharing pronouns is an unwanted and uncomfortable disclosure: those who are questioning their gender, early in transition, and/or not yet ready to disclose their gender pronouns to a large group of strangers” writes Oliver Haimson.

Give people the option to stay quiet, and don’t make a big deal about it.

When I lead a workshop, I often say: “I’m Ettie, my pronouns are she/her. Let’s all go round and say our names and, if you’re happy to, share your pronouns too.”

9. Let people change

 If someone tells you their pronouns (or anything else about their identity):

  • Listen without challenging them (“but you look so masculine, are you sure?”)

  • Remember what they said.

  • Don’t expect them to stay the same forever.

People aren’t static. They can update their pronouns, orientation, gender whenever they like.

Try not to be dismayed if they change; feel honoured they told you.

10. Keep learning

If you don’t see a lot of people who are “out” (whether that’s as agender, genderqueer, genderfluid, genderpunk, non-binary, trans or any other identity) around you, it can be hard to shift your mindset.

So change the stories you surround yourself with.

Follow LGBTQIA+ content creators, and learn direct from them.

Avoid cissexist (transphobic) media outlets.

Read books by trans and gender-nonconforming authors (not just about them).

Listen to podcasts like Gender Reveal and Qmmunity.

Talk to friends, family and colleagues about what you’re reading, scrolling and listening to.

The more we share, the easier it is to learn, and the sooner we’ll be able to say: pronouns are simple.

*Name changed
**Some people use no pronouns.

 

 

Want to learn more about LGBTQIA+ inclusive language? Check out my longer article:  

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